Monday, September 12, 2016

There Will Be a Series of Doors: Catching Up on the Year

I’ve always kept diaries. When I was very little they were velvet with keys and special pens. Now they’re just black books I keep by my bed. Sometimes I still wish they came with a key. I’d start out strong at the beginning of the year, writing every night and obsessing about all the details— the part I wanted in the school play, the part I didn’t get in a school play, the gap-toothed boy named Adrian who I can’t remember, but clearly I crushed on pretty hard. Then, the inevitable fade away would occur. I’d go two months and write, “Dear Diary, SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.” And, then I’d try desperately to sum up things like the pet mouse that died, my parents divorce, or the new crush I had on someone else I’ve since forgotten, all in a quick two paragraphs. Things like “Dad’s wedding was GREAT. I liked it!” Nothing quite got the attention it deserved and by the end of the year, my diary was just some drawings I’d do now and again when I was bored. Friends, I think this is what’s happened to my poor blog. My poor blog has been with me for ten years now. And I haven’t given up. I still keep the key. I’m using it now.

I was thinking of how nuts it is that the National Book Award Long Lists are coming out this week. It makes me nervous even though I have no horse in the race. There are so many good books that I’d like to see on the list that I can’t help but feel a little fluttery when I think about it. This all means of course, it’s been a year since I had that honor. Since I was reading the long list in the kitchen to Lucas and I just stopped reading, dumbstruck, when I saw my name. Since that day I’ve done over 60 readings from Bright Dead Things. We made it to the National Book Awards with my entire family.


My father, stepfather, and dear friend Jeff, and dear friend Jason Schneiderman, and Lucas all wore tuxes and the girls were stunning. I held my breath for the first part of the night. My vertigo wasn’t bad at all. (It was a bit bad during the night of the National Book Award reading at the New School.) Trish and Heather gave me a lucky horseshoe and I put in on top of my speech. Then, they called Robin Coste Lewis’s name. I wasn’t surprised at all. It’s a powerful and flawless first book and she deserves all the goodness. My family, however, took it hard. Lucas, who is never flustered, was visibly pissed. And Trish and Heather were in tears. I stood up after Robin’s speech and hugged each one of them. It felt so good to touch them and think, "Look at us alive and getting to go through this together." It makes me tear up to think of it now. All the kindness and support they gave me that night.

After the hug, the spell was broken, the champagne was opened and we danced until 2am. I woke up the next day, and said to Lucas “Remember the time I lost the National Book Award?” He said, “You mean last night?” There was still a bag of chips on the bed from the night before. An almost full beer by the nightstand. And it was just the night before, but it already felt like ages. That night we ordered thai food and stayed in the hotel room. It might have seemed anti-climatic, but in some ways I was glad the whole thing was over. The next morning at 6am I flew to Miami for the Book Festival. We read again, but the highlight was spending a long evening with Dawn Lundy Martin and Robin Coste Lewis (should I start using my middle name?) high-fiving in the Mandarin Hotel overlooking the water. A boat came up in the bay we overlooked and started a shower of fireworks, “Those are for us” Robin said. And it felt like they were.

Then, it was back to work, to Kentucky, and to “normal life” for a few months. Then, the National Book Critics Circle Award nomination came at the end of January. My friend Michael Robins texted me and I had no idea what he was talking about. Then, life picked up again. In March I went back to New York. This time I went alone and didn’t sport a fancy gown. I was more ready or prepared I guess. For some reason though, uncertainty kicked in big time. I didn’t like the reading I gave at the New School and I felt somehow like all the air had gone out of me. The next day, Trish came with me to the awards. I hugged Ross and Terrance hello and I kept my speech in my pocket just in case. When they said Ross’s name I was delighted, but also, surprisingly stung. I know I’m not supposed to admit this, but I was. And it’s dishonest of me to say otherwise. Ross is a dear friend and I love that book so much. But I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to win something. It was like the 15 year old me that was on the debate team was really getting competitive all the sudden and I wanted a plastic gold trophy that said WINNER. Then Ross spoke and gave a marvelous speech and I was so glad he’d won because his speech was way better than mine. Afterwards, I couldn’t hang at the party for some reason. I felt skinless. Trish and I retreated to a dark corner restaurant where they let me go in my stocking feet because my heels were hurting me. The next morning at 4am, I caught a cab to the airport to go read in Texas. I felt more deflated than I wanted to feel. My whole being was tired. I was tired of smiling. The girl in my chest wanted to nap and cry a bit.

A few hours later, it was time to smile again, big and bright and Texas style. But thankfully, I was surrounded by the good NBA people who took care of me and despite having lost my luggage and using a Sharpie for an eyeliner, I managed to have a great time before leaving for home the next day. I had a few days off at home before I was back on a plane to Cape Cod and before I turned 40. During this time, we were trying to buy a house. So one of these days off was spent in the IRS office (for 4 hours) so that I could get my taxes stamped and approved for our mortgage broker. Nothing felt easy. Everything felt big.

Lucas and the dog (Lily Bean) came with me to Provincetown and during a calm, foggy walk down Herring Cove where we were seemingly the only people on earth, he asked me to marry him. With a gorgeous antique-inspired emerald ring and all. That night, we went to dinner at a local seafood place and laughed and split a bottle of wine and didn’t tell anyone for a few hours. I saw my friend Greg Pardlo dining out as well and didn’t say anything because I knew I’d be tempted to tell him. Then, back in our hotel we called all our family and shared the news toasting with champagne in paper cups. And I didn’t need no award. Not one little bit. A few very close friends arrived the next day and we picnicked on a cold beach and dined at my favorite restaurant The Mews for my birthday. And all the sudden I was 40. Still feeling 15. 




From there it was AWP in LA and the largest reading I’ve given (opening for Ellen Bryant Voigt and Heather McHugh). Nicole Callihan and I went to a reading a loft space (where I read a new poem) and got a ride home from a movie star that felt sorry for us that we thought we could get a cab. We drank wine by the rooftop pool. My father and his wife came to see me, my brother came down. I drank in California. My vertigo came back a bit. I swam, I napped, I was grateful. From there it was Des Moines, Iowa for two readings and Ames, Iowa for one with the best one, Jennifer L. Knox. Then, on to an 8-day tour with Michael Robins and Adam Clay. There were crawfish and big porches, and late night beignets in New Orleans. There was a reading in Alabama where I had the best chocolate chip cookie I’ve ever tasted. All along there were people who I met that loved the book. That knew the book already. And because of that, knew me already. 

That whole tour lasted 21 days. I arrived home and the very next day we bought our first home. A home where I have a nice office overlooking a giant silver maple. Where I’m writing this from right now. I signed on the house and left two days later to see Lucas in Florida, then back to Cape Cod where Trish and I had a week to work out all the kinks of our lives. Then, Salem to read with Greg Pardlo and hang with Richard Blanco, Dan, and Heather. Where we decided we should make a show called “Boozy with Blanco.” 

The thing that struck me the most during this time, were the people who came up to me after the readings, the notes I received that talked about grief. It seems we all need to talk about grief. To really allow ourselves to grieve. I got a note just a few days ago from a woman who lost her father to a home death. I wrote her back with the little advice I had on how to get through the next few months. It's not just poems we write. It's bigger than that sometimes. Sometimes it's just being willing to say something someone needs to hear. It's not about me, but about the note someone found slipped under the door at the right time.

Then it was home again, then Minneapolis and my sweet home of all homes, Sonoma, California for school visits and a reading in a vineyard and then New York again and Jamaica for one of the most extraordinary festivals, Calabash. We came home sunburnt and planted tomatoes, and herbs, and fixed our house so that we have a real live guest room for real live guests. Then, before we settled in too long, it was off to Santiago, Chile for the Queens University of Charlotte Low Residency MFA- Latin America. In Chile I had the chance to see every single one of Pablo Neruda’s homes and suddenly felt grounded, even in a place with so many earthquakes. (Really, way too many earthquakes.) Lucas and I shared Peruvian meals and French fare and fell in love with Chilean wine. Next, it was Cape Cod again for the Fine Arts work center where Natalie Diaz, Rachel Eliza Griffiths and Richard Blanco made me laugh so hard I had to go to bed early the whole rest of the week. And then home. And somehow that was a year. Somehow all that happened and I’m still standing. 

And somehow I’m writing new poems and breathing and getting ready to be launched into the fall tour that take me to Ithaca, Pittsburgh, Richmond, Portland, Seattle, California, and home to Kentucky again. The vertigo isn't entirely gone, but it's lessening every month. Let's just say I am almost ready to think about packing again.

In New York once, Trish and were sneaking into a sold-out concert and the guy who was sneaking us in told us to go to the side of the building where we’d find “a series of doors.” We kept repeating that to ourselves until we did, indeed, find a series of doors. I feel like this now. There has been, are currently, and will be a series of doors. I just have to keep walking through. 



Now, it’s someone else’s turn in a few days. I hope they love every second of it. I hope someone gives them a lucky horseshoe and I hope no matter what happens, they realize that the love for this work and the people you meet along the way are the only real prize that matters. So, yeah, all this to say, "Dear Diary, so much has happened...."


31 comments:

C. Dale said...

I love this so much. And yes, you are right. It isn't all about the prize.

Limonada said...

Thank you, C.Dale!

Unknown said...

:')

Unknown said...

:')

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel McKibbens said...

So proud of you, hermana. You are such an important & brilliant poeta and this world is gentler because of you.

Limonada said...

Thanks, Rachel! Love you mi amor!

Sandra said...

Welcome back and welcome home! In all senses. = )

Limonada said...

Thanks, Sandra! I'm inspired by you!

Einlicht said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading Bright Dead Things which my friends highly recommend.

Jean richards said...

Lovely poem on the ny subways but in the original story it was not Eve who named the animals, but Adam. In the story God tries to find a mate for Adam and presents him with all the animals, asking him to name them. When none of them are right for his mate, God makes woman out of Adam's rib.
It's a lovely story.
Jean Richards

Anonymous said...

Hi Ada,

I referenced your poem, "Instructions on Not Giving Up" in my blog on my IVF journey. I love the very visual and earth quality of your poem; found it perfect at the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I hope that's ok. I included a link to it.

Please let me know if this is not ok - I will change it up if so.

https://ivifblog.wordpress.com/

Buy contact lenses said...

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Unknown said...

Wonderful! Simply wonderful! And what C. Dale said. But my goodness, you've tired me out already. I realize this is an older post.

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Anonymous said...

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温泉や絶景スポットも!台北から高雄まで、台湾旅行で行くべき人気観光名所が満載!
非常に親日的な国で、日本語を話せる方も多いことから日本人にとってはすごく旅行や観光のしやすい都市です。台湾の観光情報ガイド!台湾風俗名所や見所を探すなら台北ナビ。市内観光や文化遺産、歴史建造物、街並みに触れて、台湾を体感して下さい。
台湾は大人気な旅行先で、特に台湾台北がすごく人気が集まっています。成田空港から約4時間と、すぐに飛んでいけちゃうくらいアクセス抜群な観光スポット“台湾”。

Unknown said...

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Anonymous said...

と一息つきたいところですが、台湾風俗嬢は処理もそこそこに乗っかったまま胸舐めその後、なんで、こんな嬢は東京にいないのでしょうかね・・・。巡り合っていないだけですねその後はしこふみさんを部屋に招き入れて、皆の終了を待って、勝さんの部屋に移動して懇親会の時間まで待ちます。⑩前回は、お風呂ばかりで、デリ開拓がなかったためか、今回、お店の下台湾キャバクラとは(持ち帰りOK)なキャバクラ連れ【地味子は隠れ風俗体験談し、ご対面。品のいい、スーツ姿の姉姫さんです。常にほほえみを忘れない感じで、なるほど、この姫を見れば、このお店が、中洲で、一番高いハコヘル、、、という理由が、よくわかります。部屋、設備だけではありませんね台湾旅行 台湾天気 台湾お土産 台湾ドル 台湾気温台湾通貨台湾・台北旅行・

Anonymous said...

全台灣各縣市夏天最高溫超過30度,雖有多個颱風生成但皆未侵台,而提供大台北地區民生用水的翡翠水庫,水位罕見地一路掉到151公尺左右,總蓄水量只剩一半,並跌破歷年水位平均值,又因疫情衝擊,民生用水量創6年新高,翡管局表示,水量還能再撐3個月。
台北翡翠水庫管理局副局長李延財表示,今年沒有颱風,很多水庫都須仰賴颱風進帳,酒店賺錢
據統計6月以來只下了474毫米,只有歷年同期平均雨量的51%,等於少了一半的降雨,大部分的雨下在市區,也是造成翡翠水庫水量出的多、進的少的主因之一。

Anonymous said...

蒜商囤積飆天價 他PO不自殺聲明驚爆:有6個是立委樁腳!
國內蒜頭價格從7月開始一路狂飆,產地均價更來到每公斤333.4元,雲林縣調查局查獲虎尾林姓蒜商囤積達150公噸蒜頭,已帶回進銷帳證等資料釐清是否有伺機囤積、哄抬價格犯行,但農民林佳新卻發出不自殺聲明驚爆「有6個是立委樁腳,酒店打扮
一個立委為了讓樁腳賺錢,不顧全國消費者的承擔及農業公平正義,哪個執政黨立委才有這種能耐?護航什麼?你們惡劣到坑殺消費者還戕害到農業本質上,還裝什麼清高?惡劣」!

Anonymous said...

運動紓困15億元跑不見?官員答不出來 綠委:亂七八糟
教育部於紓困預算2.0中編列受影響的運動產業補助19.5億元,只執行約4億元,卻在紓困預算3.0中,再編列4.9億元。民進黨立委江永昌質疑,剩餘的15億元跑哪裡去了?教育部次長林騰蛟當場回答不出來。江永昌痛批,酒店工作
「已經給你們(規範)很寬鬆了,你們還在這邊亂七八糟的調度?」
立院聯席委員會今審查紓困振興特別預算第2次追加預算案,江永昌於質詢時表示,針對補助受影響運動產業,教育部明明在紓困2.0已編列19.5億元,而後來的核准家數跟人數,教育部僅用近4億元,餘下15億元,但在紓困3.0又編列4.9億元,他請教教育部為何要這樣編,並質疑「15億元到底跑哪裡去?

Anonymous said...

眼前飄黑影、老是眉骨脹痛…12歲竟確診飛蚊症,中醫建議這樣治
12歲林小弟近視400度,平常休閒就是打電動,媽媽叫他念書時,他就抱怨課本上有數隻蚊子飛來飛去影響他閱讀,且常常覺得眉稜骨處脹痛,甚則延伸整個額頭脹痛,媽媽帶他到眼科檢查,眼科醫師診斷為「玻璃體混濁」也就是俗稱的「飛蚊症」,眼科醫師囑咐林小弟眼睛與螢幕保持至少30cm的距離且每用眼30分鐘時,酒店小姐工作內容
需要休息眼睛至少5分鐘。


林小弟弟弟遵從眼科醫師的醫囑後飛蚊症有稍微緩解,但是閱讀時仍覺得飛來飛去的蚊子很擾人,後來尋求中醫治療,求診時主述左眼有兩塊黑色的塊狀懸浮物,而右眼漂浮數條半透明線狀物,雙眼脹痛延伸至眉棱骨,平日食欲差、易腹瀉且頭昏脹,屬於「脾胃氣虛,痰濁上泛」證型,每週處方中藥及針灸治療三個月後,左眼黑色的塊狀懸浮物顏色變淡變小,右眼僅剩1條半透明線狀物,已不影響閱讀,雙眼及眉棱骨脹痛減輕,且腸胃功能也改善許多。

Anonymous said...

台灣也遭鎖定 IBM示警:全球新冠肺炎疫苗供應鏈正面臨駭客攻擊
國際商業機器公司(IBM)3日警告,駭客正將目標鎖定新冠肺炎疫苗(COVID-19)的供應鏈,表示他們已發現一連串針對全球有關配發藥劑的企業發動網路攻擊,其中包括台灣在內。IBM表示,攻擊是否成功目前「不明朗」,還說可能是由國家發動攻擊。
網路安全研究團隊IBM X-Force分析師扎波伊瓦(Claire Zaboeva)和佛萊瑞奇(Melissa Frydrych)在網誌發文指出:「我們團隊最近發現一家全球性網路釣魚活動,目標針對有關新冠肺炎冷鏈組織。」
歐洲聯盟執行委員會(EC)所屬稅務暨關務總署(Directorate-General for Taxation and Customs Union)也是攻擊目標之一,其他還包括設於台灣、德國、義大利、捷克和南韓的能源和資訊科技公司。
IBM指出,這些駭客佯裝是中國大陸冷鏈供應商-海爾生物醫療公司的高層主管。這家公司與世界衛生組織(WHO)和聯合國都有合作。
扎波伊瓦和佛萊瑞奇表示:「假扮這名公司員工的駭客寄發網路釣魚電郵,給據信是支援新冠肺炎冷鏈轉運需求的材料供應組織。」
目的「可能是取得認證資格,也許未來可未經授權存取企業網路和有關新冠肺炎疫苗配發的敏感資訊」。
部分研發對抗新冠肺炎的疫苗須存放在溫度低於一般冷凍許多的環境下。酒店上班
因此配發疫苗需要像是海爾生物醫療這樣的特殊物流公司。
IBM指出,他們還無法證實誰在背後發動攻擊,但行動準確性顯示出「民族國家間諜情報技術的潛在特徵」。
美國網路安全和基礎設施安全局(CISA)指出,疫苗供應鏈相關組織應嚴肅看待IBM的報告。

Anonymous said...

共和黨參議員布萊克伯恩酸「中國有5千年盜竊史」 華人請願抗議
田納西州共和黨參議員布萊克伯恩(Marsha Blackburn)推文指中國有5000年偷竊史的爭議言論繼續發酵,在美華人6日向白宮發起請願,要求聯邦政府譴責這一無知的種族主義言論,指此是對中國和全球華人(people of Chinese descent)的攻擊,無法接受。
川普政府上周禁止美國進口新疆生產建設兵團的棉花和相關製品,稱其強迫被拘押的維吾爾族勞工;布萊克伯恩隨後發推感謝川普總統,指美國不會支持靠奴隸勞工賺錢的公司,並在之後一條推文說,「中國有5000年的欺騙和盜竊史,有些事永遠不會改變。」
該推文隨即引發爭議,布萊克伯恩被指種族主義、無知、反文化、反歷史、反人類(anti-humanity),有在美華人發起白宮請願,批評這是對中國和全球華人的嚴重攻擊,是在過去四年本就飽受白人至上主義之苦的美國加劇分裂,布萊克伯恩不稱其職,其言行不可接受,華人必須站出來反抗,第一步就是要求聯邦政府譴責布萊克伯恩的言論。
白宮請願需發起日開始的30天內達到10萬人簽署,白宮才會在之後的60天內給出回應;請願網址:https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/we-ask-federal-government-condemn-marsha-blackburns-racist-tweets-china-and-chinese-people。
該推文最早還在推特引發罵戰,「中國日報」(China Daily)歐洲分社社長陳衛華指布萊克伯恩是他見過的「最種族主義、最無知的美國參議員」台灣酒店文化

,並爆粗口批她「終身婊(a lifetime bitch)」。他說,「想知道為什麼美國國會的工作認可度(approval rating)會低到9%嗎?就是因為有像布萊克伯恩這樣的社會敗類(lowlife)在這裡。」
布萊克伯恩則反擊他是習近平想要主導世界的虛幻中國夢「傀儡」。

Anonymous said...

台北登山遇見「胖神鵰」 網友看傻眼:阿嬤養的嗎?
台灣山林物種的生態豐富,近日有民眾到北市北投區一處登山步道踏青,發現1隻體型相當肥胖的鳥類,走近一看發現,竟然是一隻不怕人的大冠鷲,而照片曝光後,網友看到這隻大冠鷲的體型,不少人好奇問:「這是阿嬤養的嗎?」

有網友將在山區拍到的大冠鷲照片,分享至臉書社團「臺灣野鳥數位園區」。(圖/翻攝自「臺灣野鳥數位園區」臉書)
有網友將在山區拍到的大冠鷲照片,分享至臉書社團「臺灣野鳥數位園區」,指本月10日,他至北投區爬山,路上發現電線桿頂端停了一隻體型巨大的鳥類,因此便停下腳步觀看,後來赫然發現,酒店消費這是猛禽「大冠鷲」,隨即拿出手機記錄下來,並上傳社團分享。
照片中可見,這隻大冠鷲非常大隻,體型算是「山大王」等級,而畫面曝光後,不少網友打趣表示「好肥喔」、「這阿嬤養的嗎?」、「怎麼感覺這身材,快要變成貓頭鷹了」、「果然是『大』冠鷲』。

Anonymous said...

罕見奇景曝光!駱駝踏雪奔走 撒哈拉沙漠下雪了

炎熱的撒哈拉沙漠竟然下雪了。(圖/翻攝自Karim Bouchetata推特)
撒哈拉沙漠近日發生氣候異常的現象,一小鎮氣溫低至零下,而天空竟然降起靄靄大雪,覆蓋了撒哈拉沙漠大部分區域,駱駝走在白雪之上,形成十分難得一件的奇景。

駱駝搭配雪景,看起來非常奇特。(圖/翻攝自YouTube)
根據《每日郵報》報導指出,撒哈拉沙漠阿爾及利亞艾因塞弗拉小鎮(Ain Sefra)13日氣溫降至零下3度,而天空中竟然也順勢飄起雪花,棕黃色的沙漠被鋪上一層白色的飛雪,酒店工作
雖然不影響當地民眾的日常生活,但為處在赤道的撒哈拉沙漠竟然下起雪來,也是難得一見的奇景。
當時,攝影師布謝塔塔(Karim Bouchetata)就拿起攝影機,拍下這難得的畫面。而沙漠雖然都給人炎熱的感覺,但其實並非沒有降雪的前例,自1980年以來,該地區已經有3次的降雪紀錄,上一次降雪是2018年1月,當地小鎮被記錄到有40公分的積雪。

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